Often we want to speak or do. Sometimes ours best to just observe. You can learn a lot from active and intentional observation.
Calm your mind. Take some slow deep breaths. Let judgments pass and expectations drop. Remain indifferent to the words or actions.
Just observe.
If everyone did a little bit to help people they knew, everyone would be getting some help. Help your friends when you can. You may not be able to assist all the people in town, but you can make a difference to some.
It could be a simple phone call or sending them something you found online. Other times you may need to lend them your car or make room in your house when they visit. Towards the more extreme, you may hire them or let someone sleep on your sofa for a few weeks or months.
We don’t always know which bit of help will be of most use. But it is quite probable that most of it will be.
Life’s challenges can pile up on people. They don’t always know how to ask for things, especially help. Try your best to notice the signs and signals of growing distress. A little intervention at the beginning can be most useful.
Often a few choice words at the right time, with the right intent, is enough. Usually people know what the problem is. More frequently, they know the solution to that problem too. Regardless, any help at the right time can be invaluable.
Be observant, empathetic and kind. And help your friends.
Social proof is a very real and powerful thing. This is why one or two determined people can change the world. A crowd attracts a crowd and it all starts with someone.
Have you ever noticed how one person standing around looking at something can attract another? Then two or three more wander over to see what the fuss is about. Soon you have seven, 10 and then 25 people hovering about.
This is how buskers make a living. They know how to attract a few people, keep them engaged and then more people join. This is also how people build a social media presence. And how great sandwich shops build their reputation even more.
Having to make a reservation weeks in advance is another queuing system. Whether it is for a posh restaurant, hair salon, spa or to get tickets for an event, queuing up suggests demand. Demand indicates interest. The queue symbolises scarcity. Our nature is to crave those things that are scarce. If it was abundant, we would relax a little.
If you are selling something, it helps if there is scarcity, interest, demand and a queue. Make that happen and you will be on your way.
A crowd attracts a crowd. Try to make sure it is for good reasons.
It’s so easy to criticise. Especially if you continue to practice doing it. Of greater benefit to one and all is to catch people doing something well.
I think I read about this in a parenting book many years ago. It really struck me. Although we want to guide our children and others well, it can mean we provide a disproportionate amount of negative feedback.
What builds confidence and leads to greater capability is hearing good and positive feedback. For most kids, they will do 99% of things in the good zone. Check whether you are giving 99% of your feedback on those good things they are doing.
This is the same with colleagues, other family members, the government, health care workers, police and teachers.
Every day, one hundred thousand things have to go right, at the right time. That’s just for things to go smoothly. If one thing isn’t right, try not to focus on that. Focus on all the other things going well.
There are various ways to address this. One is to recognise several of the good things that they have done, especially any they did particularly well. Often you can leave it there. A lot of times they already know what they could have done better.
Catch people doing something well and you’ll see more smiles.
Most people have a bias. Yes, even you. Maybe for some things, you might remain neutral. But what if I say, “Trump”? Addressing your bias, whenever you have one, is a useful endeavour.
“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
Epictetus
How you react to something reveals your bias. And the more you practice looking for the bias in others, the more you will see it. The bias will come through in body language and the words people use.
As I mentioned in my previous post about fire, everything is neutral until you give it energy in one direction or another. Be careful what you give your energy to.
If you are serious about understanding where your biased thoughts are, try accessing a different information source for one week.
For example. if you usually source from the Guardian or CNN, try Fox News and vice versa. If you are more conservative and pro-Trump, you may be watching Candace Owens or the Hodge Twins. This would mean you would switch with those more left leaning that may be reading The Atlantic or The Washington Post.
I have found YouTube quite interesting in this challenge. It’s algorithm exposes you to things that you wouldn’t normally see if you usually go direct to apps.
Addressing your bias can be a fun and enlightening experience.
How do you know you are moving forward? Some situations are more obvious than others, such as moving up a year group at school. Marking your progress outside of school becomes more difficult.
It isn’t impossible. It usually just requires more effort because you have to do your own assessment and tracking. Then you need to judge your level and prepare for the next step.
At school, the teachers prepare the training exercises and become your accountability partner. They also assess your work and keep track of your test scores and engagement level. The department of education maintains the structure. For example, we know that after your 3rd year at school, most children move along to their 4th year.
In a work environment, your immediate boss takes the place of the teacher. They set the work to be done, assess it and keep track of your performance. The company directors determine pay and organisational structures.
Your personal development is usually up to you to organise. And what your next role will be is also in your hands. You may choose to stay in the company or try a different company or industry. Sometimes people try something entirely new.
Whatever it is you are doing, marking your progress is important. On a scale of 1-10 for each category, where are you with work, relationships, wealth, health and fitness? Now make note of where you want to be and plan how to close those gaps.
Humans love grouping and using shortcut language to simplify communication. In addition, people tend to generalise based on their tribe.
If you pay attention to conversations, you can hear this occurring. For example, when I am with friends with university degrees, I often hear them refer to ‘everyone’. This is usually in reference to everyone having a degree. I often find myself reminding them that less than half of the population, in any country, have a university degree.
The challenge is, if most people you know have a university degree, you extrapolate and assume everyone has one. This is a common occurrence and highlights the old phrase that ‘birds of a feather, flock together’.
You’ll often find that teachers know disproportionately more teachers. Same thing with electricians, rugby players, actors and politicians.
It is a natural occurrence for many reasons. However, because people tend to generalise based on their tribe, we should all be a little more aware of this before we communicate.
It is quite a skill to communicate across tribes. Tribes have different norms, culture and reference points. This is clear when noting which media people tune into. Of course, this is also why people clash over certain topics and always have.
Tribes will always be at odds with each other. Unless people (you, me) stop, think and explore to understand the other, it will continue on this way. Notice the tribes you are in and see if you can make bridges with other ones.
For most of my day, I think everything seems quite normal. However, when I stop and actually think about what is happening, it still feels surreal.
As a person who does a lot of work from home, the days seems quite similar. Though, there is the added element of the children being at home. This difference adds some fun and some occasional challenges.
We’ve been ordering groceries online, and having them delivered, for over 10 years, so that hasn’t changed. We’ve been getting out for exercise as frequently too. However, maybe there has been less activity for the kids. They’ve been going without PE classes, weekend and before/after school sports. Less activity has generally meant less eating but fitness levels are bound to suffer a little.
There was a lot of adjusting, admin, following new procedures, and home schooling prep at the beginning. Now that seems to have settled down. But there will be new changes and challenges to keep us busy as we begin to emerge from Lockdown.
It’s still to be seen whether this will be a quick return to nearly normal with a v-shaped recovery or something more prolonged. Could it become one of those moments in history that was significant (36 months), but not frequently discussed, like the 1918 flu pandemic? I hope future generations will not have cause to reflect on this period the way we look back on WWI, WWII and the Great Depression.
Regardless of how long it takes to put Humpty back together again, it still feels surreal in the moment sometimes.
This seems to be the highest probability way to get what you want in life. If you are not getting things that you want, check your word selection and order, listen carefully to your self-talk and be mindful of the questions you ask and statements you make: even in jest.
As you focus on achieving the outcome you are looking for, your mind gathers information, evidence, options, connections and other relevant materials to make this work.
The same is true if you happen to mention things you don’t want. This is why people that happen to mention the negative outcome they don’t want, seem to attract the negative outcome.
It is not a guaranteed way for things to work out positively or negatively, but there seems to be a higher probability that what you focus on, speak about, think through and ‘see’, is more likely to come to pass.
Just try framing things in a positive, specific way each time you refer to something. Catch yourself when you say things using a negative or it is the opposite of what you want. For example, “What if she says no?” Could be reframed to, “What if she says yes?”. “I don’t want to spend hours shopping, I don’t have time today”, could become, “I want to be quick and select only the things I need and clearly want so I can be done in 20 minutes.”
Give it a try today. See if you can spot when you‘re framing something in the negative. Give yourself some kudos if you find yourself framing or re-framing in the positive. If you don’t already do this, it can take some time to become a habit. It is worth it though. Good luck!
Are you trying to help someone improve, or are you looking for a pat on the back, for being empathetic or interested?
When you argue/debate/converse, are you trying to “win” and prove your perception is “right” and that it is the only possible perception, reality or opinion? Or are you seeking to understand what the other person is trying to express? I say ’trying’ as sometimes, under pressure, or if the question gets them thinking, a person may be quickly trying to express something, but not very well. Some people will pick up on the less-well-articulated thought and attack the words rather than the intent of the person uttering them. This is unfortunate.
We need to #BeKinder and allow people to find the better words to express their thoughts. This is why we should check our intent. Frequently. We can immediately change the tone of a conversation by adjusting our own intent.
The closer you listen to someone, the more you will learn about them. Some people are a bit sloppy in their word selection. Others have fewer learned words to select from. Listen carefully to people today. Measure their words against their deeds and the intent you believe you are observing. It’s fascinating. Did your waiter really mean, “Have a nice day”? (On a scale of 1-10)
Sometimes we can hurt people’s feelings with our words unintentionally. This is an accident. However, it can seem quite clear sometimes, what someone’s intent is. Sometimes it seems clear their intent is unkind.
Fellow Canadian, Jordan B Peterson, was interviewed on Channel 4 News a couple of years ago. See the video below – it has been viewed 19 million times. It has some topical subjects and is a good case study on intent. What is his and what is hers during the show?
Spoiler: I felt Jordan’s intent was to try to give a thought-through perspective to help the audience get a better understanding of the detail involved in the topics. It felt like Cathy’s intent was to try to provoke or discredit Jordan and show him in a bad light.
What do you think the intent is for both parties involved? You can leave your comment below by adding your thoughts under “Your Thinking…”. (If it is not directly below these words, click on the title of this post (at the top of the page) and it will take you to the comment area).
