Reframe Archives - Scott's Thinking

We Choose The Meaning

Posted on September 23, 2020

Lots of things happen in our lives. Words are spoken and actions are taken. Regardless of what happens though, we choose the meaning of the words or actions. This is true whether we say the words or do the actions or whether someone else does.

These interpretations, judgements, reactions and decisions shape our present and our future. We can even make things align a certain way to create a new history.

I recall being frustrated by people in their car not letting me go in front of them when merging with traffic. I would assign a number of reasons why they wouldn’t let me in. Usually it was because they weren’t being very nice.

Then, one time, I was focused on the outer lane. By the time I saw the person wanting to come into my lane, it was too late to let them do it safely. I realised I was ‘that’ person. Another time I was in a hurry, and didn’t want to be slowed down, so didn’t let them in.

So, by having the experience myself, I realised that sometimes there are valid reasons that people do things. In addition, I thought that I should give people the benefit of the doubt. Especially as I believe people are generally good.

We choose the meaning of things so why not make it positive.

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Breaking Free Of Yourself And Others

Posted on August 6, 2020

Recently I wrote about holding ourselves back by not, ‘becoming one of them’. Our tribes don’t want that either. Breaking free of yourself and others is critical but also quite difficult.

You may have heard of ‘Crab Mentality’ or ‘Tall Poppy Syndrome’ or ‘Law of Jante’. These are all quite similar. They refer to a certain cultural phenomenon around the world. It’s called different things in different countries. Click on the coloured text above to find out more.

Essentially, people don’t like others leaving their group. They certainly get more anxious if the person leaving is joining a better group from their perspective. People tend to have a difficulty with this.

Sometimes it is as simple as they like you and don’t want to see you less. But sometimes it can be more sinister than that. Sometimes people can be spiteful because they don’t want you to get ahead of them in life. This seems to be particularly true when it comes to others succeeding in a career or earning more money.

Certainly try not to be the type of person to hold onto others in your group. This is important if they are doing better for themselves. Congratulate them and wish them well. Karma will then be on your side.

Breaking free of yourself and others is not easy. And if someone tries to hold you back? Run away!

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An Ad Hominem Reply

Posted on July 28, 2020

If you are going to have a discussion, the focus should be on the content. Unfortunately far too many people today use an ad hominem reply. That is to say, they attack the character of the person rather than try to understand or discuss the other person’s point of view.

Unfortunately this is a weak debating tool or tactic. It may be effective in the immediate term but it rarely advances any cause.

When someone uses an ad hominem reply, I tend to think less of that person. I will also give extra weight to the other person’s perspective. By sticking to the detail of the discussion point, the focused debater sounds more intelligent and becomes more persuasive.

Not everyone sees it that way.

Sometimes people will ‘pile on’ and cheer the negative personal attacks. They may even add their own insult or character challenge.

One may feel better in the moment for attacking someone this way but it is not helping to further discussions. Be mindful not to fall into this trap.

You are better than this.

If you do not agree with someone’s opinion, you can try to understand it by asking curious questions, not sarcastic ones. You can also simply let them have their opinion. Finally, you could politely explain why you hold a different opinion and then leave it there.

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You Can Convince Yourself Of Anything

Posted on July 12, 2020

Some people believe in God and others do not. The placebo effect is well known and so is self-healing. You can convince yourself of anything. So what have you convinced yourself about?

Science v Faith: Do you have a science or faith based orientation?

Fact v Opinion: Do you base your decisions on the ‘facts’ of the past. Or do you let yourself have an opinion or vision of the future?

Logic v Emotion: Are you led by logic or driven by emotion?

You may even find that these answers depend on the circumstances or you have adjusted them somewhat over the years.

And what sort of jail have you created for yourself by your thoughts, beliefs and convictions? What walls have you erected around you? How high is the ceiling you have created that keeps you from soaring?

It is time to reconsider your thoughts and beliefs. Many people do not do this or they wait until it‘s too late. It may feel uncomfortable but it will get easier as you sit calmly reflecting on these sometimes brutal facts of reality.

Many people hold the same views as when they were six years old. Is it time for a refresh?

You can convince yourself of anything. So decide, commit and keep the faith.

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How Being Wrong Can Feel So Right

Posted on June 22, 2020

There’s a funny thing about being wrong about something. It is a little strange how being wrong can feel so right. This is because, you don’t actually feel wrong until it is brought to your attention.

You are usually convinced you are right until you discover (usually through someone else) that you are wrong. Only then do you fully understand that feeling of being wrong.

On Sunday, my son needed to download something onto the laptop. The only thing I had to do was type in my password to allow it. It seemed like a simple task. Oh, how I can laugh about it now. Though, there was not a lot of laughter in the moment.

That password had an ‘&’ and an ‘=’ in it. My brain read the ‘&’ as ‘and’ like ’in addition to’ so I kept typing the ‘+’ key. I typed it slower. I said each key as I typed it. Then I tried other passwords. And then other user names, as you do. Fortunately, I somehow realised the error of my ways and got it right. Phew!

But I had been so sure that I had been typing the correct password. Then that feeling of being wrong washed over me. Then I laughed at my own misinterpretation of the symbol.

This is how being wrong can feel so right. You are convinced you are correct and feel confident about it. It’s only after you become aware that you were wrong, that you feel any different. A different take on The Emperor’s New Clothes perhaps. Fascinating.

I leave you today with a great little video on this very topic.

A very interesting way of looking at being wrong and people who disagree with you.

Observe Reframe your thoughts Time

The Stockdale Paradox

Posted on June 18, 2020

What does seven years in the Hanoi Hilton have in common with Covid lockdown? Perhaps it is The Stockdale Paradox. You must confront the brutal facts while emphatically maintaining that you will survive, and thrive, despite them.

I first became aware of The Stockdale Paradox almost two decades ago when I was reading Jim Collins’ fascinating book, “Good to Great”. The book is the result of a study of the differentiating factors between long term success and short term blips.

In the book, James Stockdale is brought up. Despite having survived seven years of seriously harsh POW treatment, he seemed to have survived the ordeal and feel stronger for it. Let’s all hope that whatever our personal circumstances are, or become, we can say the same after this Covid experience.

It is important to confront the brutal facts of our current reality. And equally critical, we must have unwavering belief that we will overcome whatever difficulties we encounter and emerge stronger on the other side.

Admiral Stockdale said it was the optimists that struggled and sometimes didn’t make it through. I can understand that. However, I will add that perhaps it was the impatient folks that struggled most. The one’s that wanted it over quickly, in addition to those that were hopeful about the outcome.

Think about your expectations and sprinkle some patience in there. The 1918 Pandemic lasted 2 years. It doesn’t mean this one will be difficult for some or all of that time though. So stay positive, and patient, and be ready to overcome whatever comes your way.

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Get The Basics Done First

Posted on June 8, 2020

It is so easy to put things off till later. We try to instil in the kids to get the basics done first. Once these basics are done, then the free time can begin.

The basics might mean schoolwork, homework, tidying up, cleaning up, chores, calls to family, fixing stuff, reading and other things. I find kids are sometimes fine with jumping over the basics and getting straight to the fun stuff.

Kids can be happy with skipping the chores and then later they will think nothing of requesting ice cream or a movie. I have to say though, a lot of times adults are the same. I can relate to this as sometimes I see through the work to the rewards too quickly.

Of course this is all contextual as well. If this is the fifth day in a row of getting the work done, the urge for an ice cream or a movie break may be stronger. Some might say overwhelming.

If you get the basics done first though, it can feel good and even save you more time later.

Remove as much stuff from your life as you can. Each day, try to reduce what you have or have going on in your life. It makes it easier to focus on those key items that will make a difference in your life.

Then you will get those key items done faster and easier and you’ll get to the fun bits quicker. Book a 30 minute ‘quick clear’ today. Get moving!

Observe Reframe your thoughts

This Is Not A Good Time

Posted on June 5, 2020

“I don’t have time for this.” “This is terrible timing.” “Oh my, this is not a good time for this.” Some of the things we say are so true and yet so funny. Is there ever a brilliant time to have a bad thing happen?

A friend and I were chatting and when he said it, it struck us as funny. Just when is a good time for something unpleasant to happen? If you were going to have a minor disaster, what day and time would you pencil it in? Is this coming Tuesday at 2:55pm good for you?

We felt a little odd just thinking about planning in something negative. It felt wrong. Few people would want to lose their phone, get a flat tyre, or catch a contagious disease at the best of times. So why would less than good times be any different?

If you could plan in a little disaster or challenge to your life, then why not now? If you’re in decent health, with a sound mind and a few paper bills in your pocket, maybe this is a good time. Having something bad happen when you are not at, or near, your best, would be harder.

Sometimes we just need to count our blessings. Even when things stop going well, this could still be a better moment for it than any other.

You’ll never know how much you can handle, until you are required to handle it. You will be fascinated by the way it turns out. It’s often better than we expect.

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Build People Up Whenever You Can

Posted on June 3, 2020

Doesn’t it make sense to build people up whenever you can? There are so many instances where people go negative, generalise and put people down. It really seems unnecessary, unproductive and unkind.

We have a loose rule in our house that you can only build people up. Negative banter is discouraged and is called out with a reminder to build up.

This idea builds on a concept I grew up with. I recall hearing my Mom or Dad, or other parents, saying, ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all’. Similarly, we just say, ‘Build up’. It is a quicker version with similar intent.

People could use a little encouragement. It doesn’t take much to lift the spirits and chin of another person. As a result, the person will walk taller, and that is wonderful to see.

The knock on effect is wonderful too. They are more likely to be positive and enthusiastic, confident and proud. This in turn might find them doing something similar for someone else. What a fabulous ripple effect.

The kids catch me and I catch them. It’s usually just a gently nudge or reminder to build up.

There are still so many times that people let their impulsive, reactive frustrations or their nasty side win the battle for control of their mind. It doesn’t need to be that way. And, ‘I was joking’ isn’t acceptable as it didn’t land.

Practice building people up today. Pay a compliment to someone. Congratulate them on a small win. Hold yourself back from the easy put down. Encourage someone in the area they are trying to improve in.

You’ll both feel tremendously better for it. You’ll be smiling.

If you want to see incredible change in the world, start doing this often, from today.

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Think The Best Of People

Posted on May 22, 2020

Life has its challenges. I think there are a lot of challenges that wear people down so think the best of people. Most people are a) trying their best with all the things on their plate and b) with what they are aware of.

The vast majority of people will try to do their best in a given situation. That doesn’t mean their effort or strategy will be the ideal one. This simply means that they will try their best.

We need to consider that they will be aware of different ideas and methods than us. Those ideas and methods may deliver better results or worse, but if the decision is theirs, then we need to live with their decision.

For example, if your sister is driving you to the airport, she gets to decide which roads to take and which speed to drive. You can have your opinion, but she needs to decide and execute. So let her get on with that. You can make suggestions in advance but please don’t make criticisms after the fact.

She would be doing her best. Your sister probably wouldn’t be trying to make it a terrible, lengthy, uncomfortable journey. She would be doing her best, given what she knows about road conditions, traffic patterns, alternate routes and detours.

Think the best of people. They are not perfect. None of us are. Work with them and ask great questions to get their best answers. You’ll have a happier life.